dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
