When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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