A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
