Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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