Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
