I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
