If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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