last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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