how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
