I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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