i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
