i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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