Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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