god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
