dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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