I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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