don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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