Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
