"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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