I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
