Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
