you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
