I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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