last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
