I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
