sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
