My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
