So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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