my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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