Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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