So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
