she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
