he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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