In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
