She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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