I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
