Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
