I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
