You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
