Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
