I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
