I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
