Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
