the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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