Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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