I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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