i permit you to call me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
