i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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