i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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