I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
