I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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