I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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