do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
