you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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