and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Blood and glitter go together right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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