I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
