I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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