But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
