I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We had to coat check the pizza.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
soo... how was my night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
