I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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