Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
